Becoming Who We Want to Be

Aiden Lynch: Many young people today report feeling directionless, anxious, or uncertain about who they want to become. How can character education help address that existential uncertainty?

Michael Lamb: What you’re really talking about is a lack of purpose. Purpose is – or can be – a virtue, so I think applying the same strategies you might apply to other virtues can be helpful. So, for example, if you feel like you have no purpose or feel like you’re uncertain about life, think about an exemplar whom you admire for how they live out their purpose and study what you admire about that person. It could be a historical exemplar or someone in your own life. If it’s someone you know, take 30 minutes and ask them about their own purpose, and how they found or fostered it. We actually did research in my class on character at Wake Forest showing that exemplars are really good mediators of purpose because they make purpose more embodied and concrete in ways that might be abstract otherwise.

Secondly, we can go back to reflection. I think three elements are critical to finding your purpose. First, what are your passions? Second, what are your gifts and skills? And third, what does the world need? Purpose is found at the intersection of these three.

If you focus on your passions and gifts but not what the world needs, your purpose can be quite self-focused or self-indulgent. If you have gifts that meet what the world needs but not passions, you’ll burn out because you don’t have the motivation to keep going. And if you focus on your passions and what the world needs, but have no gifts for that, you’ll be ineffective.

Many people who feel purposeless are waiting to find their purpose, for it to kind of appear to them through an epiphany, to discover some passion that makes them feel very excited. That sometimes happens, but research also shows actually we don’t just find our purpose – we can foster it by beginning with something that might be of interest to us and experimenting with it. And then you can grow in that desire as you get better at it and more engaged with it. Or you don’t and that teaches you something about yourself, too.

So I encourage students to experiment. We have time early in life to experiment and try things out – to do an internship or take a course or have conversations and see what might actually give us meaning. And then we keep trying things until we begin to foster that purpose or discover another avenue for exploration. But we can’t just wait for our purpose to magically appear – we have to engage the world and then learn as we go.

Aiden: I see, so character can provide guidance for the future. But can it help us with our immediate challenges today? For example, breaking bad habits like procrastination?

Michael: Yes, so there are various things we can do and very tactical strategies we can use. For procrastination, one thing to consider is how to incentivise ourselves to do work we don’t want to do. One way is to find motivation by reflecting on our purpose. If we feel our purpose is to become a doctor and help people, that can motivate us to focus on our upcoming biology exam.

More tactically, we can incentivise ourselves with rewards. For example, tell yourself, “If I study well for an hour, I’ll reward myself by watching my favourite Netflix show” – or whatever it is that gives you joy. Or you can find ways to do something enjoyable while you do what you don’t want to do. It’s called “temptation bundling.”

For example, if I know I really want to work out but also have to study, I can layer the two by carrying the book with me to the gym and reading while I cycle. Or if I’m trying to practise gratitude and am very bad at it, I can connect gratitude with something I do every day anyway. When I brush my teeth for two minutes, I can think about four people I’m grateful for. I have to brush my teeth anyway, so it’s not adding one more thing – I’m just connecting a new habit with an existing habit, which is called “habit stacking.”

I also think friendship matters here in two ways: friends can provide both accountability and support. So if I am having a hard time overcoming something, I can ask a friend for help. I can ask them to go with me to the library or a café to study for that test, which offers support and solidarity. Or I can ask them to hold me accountable. Imagine that I am trying to study for a difficult test. On my own, I might say, “I don’t want to study. I’d rather watch a movie.” But if I’ve committed to meeting my friend to study, he’s going to be disappointed if I don’t show up. So you go and do it, and often you’re glad you did it. So, having accountability like that helps us to overcome those humps of inertia and motivation.

Aiden: So character cultivation is something that can actually help me today? Is it not just something for the future?

Michael: It can absolutely help you today.

Here’s an example. If I’m trying to practise courage by speaking up more in class, that’s not just helping me become more courageous in the future. By doing it now, I’m going to be more engaged in class and learn more because I’m asking questions I am curious about. The process, therefore, of trying to build your character is not only about a future self; it’s also about improving yourself now. If, for example, I want to be a more grateful person and decide to start practising gratitude now, this will not only help me to be a more grateful person tomorrow – it will make me more grateful today.

Aiden: Clearly, there are many potential benefits from focusing on one’s character. For students learning about character initiatives who are keen on getting involved and want to intentionally develop their character, where should they begin?

Michael: I think it’s helpful to think about how you want to grow and figure out what your goals are. For example, are there certain virtues that you feel like you want to strengthen? And are there certain things in your own life that you want to improve?

It is also helpful to ask your friends or family for feedback on how you could improve because we often can’t see ourselves clearly, and people around us can help. Once you have identified some virtue-relevant goals, you can then begin to think about how to pursue them and which strategies might best serve your purpose.

Aiden: Could I ask you to expand a little bit more on the value of asking other people for feedback in this process?

Michael: Well, you know, Aristotle said that our friends are like “mirrors” to ourselves in that they can see us in ways that we can’t see ourselves. A great example of this is from Benjamin Franklin. When he was in his early 20s, he decided he wanted to improve his character and chose 12 virtues to try to cultivate through rigorous practice. But then his friend said to him: “Well, Ben, you’re known to be quite proud. You should add humility.” And he, being proud, had not recognised he needed humility.  So he added humility to his list and committed to developing the virtue.

When self-reflection reaches its limit, the people who really know us well can give us insight and feedback. But we must have the courage to be able to hear it.

When you’re asking for this kind of feedback or seeking it, it might not always be helpful to ask: “What are my weaknesses?” Our friends can often be hesitant to share that. Instead, ask: “What are ways you think I can grow to maximise my potential?” Keeping it aspirational, I think, is really important.

Aiden: In this case, is it necessary for me to enrol in a character education programme, or can this be undertaken as an independent endeavour?

Michael: Well, both can help. Programmes like the Oxford Character Project can support one’s character journey by offering practical guidance, access to exemplars and mentors, and a community of fellow travellers who provide encouragement and accountability.

But we can also do this work on our own, wherever we are. We can learn from how we’ve grown in the past, read about various virtues and strategies, and then begin trying to grow our character. We need a structured plan, but we can create it ourselves. So if you don’t have a programme, think about how to build structure, support, and accountability into your self-initiated programme. Character development can still very much be undertaken independently. We just have to take the first step.